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Losing your identity, what does it mean?

Dawn Walton

I know from my own experience that realising you don't know who you are or what you want can happen at any time but what is losing your identity all about?


Losing your identity can be a long process over a period of months or years or it could happen in an instant. It can happen at any age plus it can happen more than once.


So, how does it actually happen?


There are a number of ways that we lose sight of who we are, our personal identity -


1. Changes or losing your job/work/business - changes in the workplace, change of a job or loss of a role that once defined us, collapse of a business;


2. It can also happen suddenly following a major life event or trauma - divorce, having a baby, moving to a new location, becoming an empty nester, death of someone you love, illness or being told you can't have children... major events are subjective and all of them effect us in some way;


3. You can also lose your identity through the gradual merging in a relationship. We may lose some identity, even in the most healthy of relationships, as we accommodate, adjust our behaviours, and support our partners, and there may be some change in our level of independence, as a small level of co-dependency may set in. However, in some relationships, particularly abusive ones, this could be more marked, resulting in the strip of independence, and a total loss of who you are.


Whatever your situation losing your personal identity leaves a gap, a void, an empty space.


Such loss of identity can result in increased levels of anxiety, low self-esteem and self worth, lack of motivation, a loss of self-confidence, social anxiety, isolation, loneliness, all of which threaten our ability to connect with other people.


When we lose our identity and sense of self, we are likely to seek our sense of self-worth from others.


It becomes very important how others view us, as our sense of value and self-worth, our feelings of confidence are dependent on external factors such as our appearance, success, status and money.


As a result, we seek reassurance and praise from others to feel OK about ourselves - but in reality, our emotional well-being depends on how WE feel about ourselves.


So, how do we regain our identity once we have lost it?


This is the not so easy bit... it is the bit that needs work and making yourself a priority is where you need to start.


Here are my 5 tips to regaining your identity no matter how you lost it, how long it took to lose or whatever age you are -


1. Re-evaluate your values... yes, its hard work and you may not want to do it BUT when you align your life with your values you will feel more focused, fulfilled and whole;


2. Reverse engineer your life - What do you want out of life? Write down your ideal day and visualise it, smell it, feel it. Ask yourself 'Who do I need to be to have this life?';


3. Regain some independence. No matter how long you have been in a job, relationship, alone I challenge you to do something for yourself. Join a club that interests you, create a tribe on FB and get a conversation going, book a holiday, start a new hobby;


4. Get your gratitude on - I know it's not easy to find joy when you are feeling low and lost. Give yourself a a check up from the neck up and celebrate what you have achieved. Be grateful for how far you have come. Kick the pity party to the kerb and get real. You have done so much and the job, the partner/husband, kids, person couldn't have enjoyed their days of glory without you being wo you are;


5. Stop comparing and start admiring and emulating - Its hard to not see people's lives on Socials and think 'I wish that was me' but comparison is a thief and a waste of time. We never see what happens behind the scenes of those people and we certainly aren't comparing apples with apples. Give yourself a dose of 'REAL' and instead, get selective. When you see someone you admire look at their traits and abilities and bring some of them into your life.


These are 5 key things that will help you find yourself again. I didn't mention strengths because I know you know what yours are... go on list them...


You never know, you might find a version of yourself that's even better than the one you lost.


This is my zone of genius and I'd love to help you if you are tired of doing it on your own. Please feel free to email me dawn@innerselfcoaching.com.au and we can have a little chat.


Dawn


Dawn Walton is a coach to women who have lost sight of who they are. Dawn helps women re-ignite their identity through building confidence, setting boundaries and honouring commitment & connection to themselves so that they can achieve purpose, reach their potential and bring zest back into their lives.





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